Break ups are the worst. I think it's worse when you've already seen it coming yet you were hoping beyond hope that it wouldn't come. It sucks to know that you do deserve better but still...you wish it was him.

I wish i can finally wake up without my thoughts of you. It's been a while since i've really written anything down but i'm glad i got the chance to do that now.

It's been almost 3 weeks and i'm okay. I'm not as depressed as i was the first week. I barely even spoke then. But now, i can laugh and be normal. I still think about you but it gets less and less as the days go by. Some days a barely even think of you anymore. It only gets bad when i hear or see something that reminds me of you. Which is actually hard since even though we were only together for a while we've made so many memories so there are a lot of things that remind me of you.

It just hurts that you've already found someone new that fast. I mean you used to say that i was different, but i guess that was a lie. It hurts so bad to see you with her but i take a deep breath and smile and wave to say hi. Sometimes i wonder if you still think of me. If you hear our song do you remember the times we were together? When you hear my name do you remember all the nicknames you've given me? When you're alone do you remember the times we spent joking around and planning dates? When you're lying in your bed do you look at all the things i've written on your wall?

I know i should start moving on. Trust me i've been trying. But for now, just for now, i wanna remember you. I wanna let myself feel everything that i've felt for you. Maybe after this i can finally let you go..

So it's been a really really long while since i've been able to write here. so here goes. I'm with someone again but it's all turned sour.

Hot and cold by Katy Perry
--it's the PERFECT song! ahahahaa!:P

You change your mind
Like a girl changes clothes
Yeah, you PMS like a bitch
I would know

And you always think
Always speak cryptically
I should know
That you're no good for me

'Cause you're hot then you're cold
You're yes then you're no
You're in and you're out
You're up and you're down
You're wrong when it's right
It's black and it's white
We fight, we break up
We kiss, we make up

You, you don't really wanna stay, no
You, but you don't really wanna go, oh

'Cause you're hot then you're cold
You're yes then you're no
You're in and you're out
You're up and you're down

We used to be just like twins, so in sync
The same energy now's a dead battery
Used to laugh 'bout nothing
Now you're plain boring
I should know
That you're not gonna change

'Cause you're hot then you're cold
You're yes then you're no
You're in and you're out
You're up and you're down
You're wrong when it's right
It's black and it's white
We fight, we break up
We kiss, we make up

You, you don't really wanna stay, no
You, but you don't really wanna go, oh

You're hot then you're cold
You're yes then you're no
You're in and you're out
You're up and you're down

Someone call the doctor
Got a case of a love bipolar
Stuck on a rollercoaster
Can't get off this ride

You change your mind
Like a girl changes clothes

'Cause you're hot then you're cold
You're yes then you're no
You're in and you're out
You're up and you're down
You're wrong when it's right
It's black and it's white
We fight, we break up
We kiss, we make up

'Cause you're hot then you're cold
You're yes then you're no
You're in and you're out
You're up and you're down
You're wrong when it's right
It's black and it's white
We fight, we break up
We kiss, we make up

You, you don't really wanna stay, no
You, but you don't really wanna go, oh

You're hot then you're cold
You're yes then you're no
You're in and you're out
You're up and you're down, down, down, down...

i'll write again soon.:)

you know that feeling when you're so confused that you're sitting with a crowd of people and all you can hear is your own voice telling you to stop thinking?

I haven't blogged here in really long while and now i really need to write about things. So after more than 2 years i took the plunge and broke up with martin. It was hard. Not that, that would be surprising since it IS a break up. It's just hard knowing that i came to the point where i know that there's just nothing else i can do to make things better. It was nothing like the cool-offs we had before. This time i knew this was what i wanted, and i stood firm. It's been 1 month and 18 days since i broke things off and it's still weird to call you my ex. hahaha.

I can't say that we're friends but that's the best way to describe what we are now. We still talk and text and sometimes we even see each other. Sometimes i miss you more than most days but then it passes. When i see you, when we talk, it feels so familiar and i feel content. It's the weirdest feeling but i have fun with you.

But i know i can't do it again right now. I'm much too tired to be in a relationship right now so i hope you understand.

***What Allison Cabrera Means***


You are usually the best at everything ... you strive for perfection.
You are confident, authoritative, and aggressive.
You have the classic "Type A" personality.

You are relaxed, chill, and very likely to go with the flow.
You are light hearted and accepting. You don't get worked up easily.
Well adjusted and incredibly happy, many people wonder what your secret to life is.



You tend to be pretty tightly wound. It's easy to get you excited... which can be a good or bad thing.
You have a lot of enthusiasm, but it fades rather quickly. You don't stick with any one thing for very long.
You have the drive to accomplish a lot in a short amount of time. Your biggest problem is making sure you finish the projects you start.

You are the total package - suave, sexy, smart, and strong.
You have the whole world under your spell, and you can influence almost everyone you know.
You don't always resist your urges to crush the weak. Just remember, they don't have as much going for them as you do.

You are well rounded, with a complete perspective on life.
You are solid and dependable. You are loyal, and people can count on you.
At times, you can be a bit too serious. You tend to put too much pressure on yourself.

You are very intuitive and wise. You understand the world better than most people.
You also have a very active imagination. You often get carried away with your thoughts.
You are prone to a little paranoia and jealousy. You sometimes go overboard in interpreting signals.

You are very open. You communicate well, and you connect with other people easily.
You are a naturally creative person. Ideas just flow from your mind.
A true chameleon, you are many things at different points in your life. You are very adaptable.



You are full of energy. You are spirited and boisterous.
You are bold and daring. You are willing to do some pretty outrageous things.
Your high energy sometimes gets you in trouble. You can have a pretty bad temper at times.

You are wild, crazy, and a huge rebel. You're always up to something.
You have a ton of energy, and most people can't handle you. You're very intense.
You definitely are a handful, and you're likely to get in trouble. But your kind of trouble is a lot of fun.

You are friendly, charming, and warm. You get along with almost everyone.
You work hard not to rock the boat. Your easy going attitude brings people together.
At times, you can be a little flaky and irresponsible. But for the important things, you pull it together.


What's Your Name's Hidden Meaning?
http://www.blogthings.com/whatsyournameshiddenmeaningquiz/

Getting up this morning was unbearably hard. All i wanted was to stay in bed forever and do nothing but my mother is a force to be reckoned with. So with every ounce of energy i could muster, i got up and went to face what I thought would be one of the hardest days i'd ever face. It's computer time and all through the day i've been trying to forget everything. Last night i couldn't breathe while having one of those conversations that would haunt you in your sleep. Needless to say, i couldn't sleep. I tossed and turned like I usually do when i've made a decision i know i would have to face head on. There is no turning back but somehow i think i can stand by what i said. "I need space".

So yeah it was like what i thought. It was the hardest thing to say. I was choking and i thought i would never get it out but i did. And it's out now. It's funny that i did this after a year of being together. But honestly, i was starting to feel like i wasn't myself anymore. I've been thinking about this for a while now and it's only lately that i've gotten the courage to actually do it. It's not that i love you any less it's just that i don't know how to show it anymore because i'm not whole. I mean, how can i give you my whole heart if it's not whole to begin with. A lot of things has happened. Some things i did to myself, some things because of you, and some from the people around me. All the little things slowly changed me and i didn't even realize it. You're right i am different from who i was before. I've changed and it doesn't seem right to me. I wanna be okay again because i'm unstable right now, that's what's up with the mood swings.I'm sorry. I think it would be better if we're okay first before we fix our relationship. I'm not doing this to hurt you. I'm doing this for myself, so i can love you the way you deserve.

"Love is nothing more and nothing less than everything you are to me."
--a person I hold most dear.ü

ookay after one of the hardest points of my life so far, things are finally cooling down. Well I'VE cooled off. Well my emotions are well under control and there will be no more burst of tears and sudden attacks of "katarayan". Well i still have a quis to take so maybe i'll write again later.

it's been really hard lately. I can't seem to get my life back to where it was before. People say i've changed and it stings a little knowing that I just learned to be independent. I mean after a while people get tired right? I did. I started to just take things as they are and to not expect too much from anyone close to me. I did it to protect myself from getting hurt. That's why people say i've changed...because now i know how to stop needing anyone to catch me if i fall. I learned to pick myself up when i fall. I figured that if i do that i won't get disappointed and if in the end i end up getting hurt again, i won't have anyone to blame but myself. It's hard especially when it comes to the people who matter so much to me. I think i'm hurting them to. But, i'm in way too deep and i don't know how to stop myself from building these walls around me. Sometimes it gets a crack and i let it fall and crumble, but then when i'm vulnerable something catches up to me and i quickly repair the wall. I don't wanna be this cold and closed. Maybe one day someone will save me...or maybe i'll be strong enough to save myself...

The smell of your skin lingers on me now
You're probably on your flight back to your home town
I need some shelter of my own protection baby
To be with myself in center
Clarity, peace, serenity

[chorus:]
I hope you know, I hope you know
That this has nothing to do with you
It's personal, myself and I
We've got some straightenin' out to do
And I'm gonna miss you like a child misses their blanket
But I've got to get a move on with my life
It's time to be a big girl now
And big girls don't cry
Don't cry, don't cry, don't cry

The path that I'm walking, I must go alone
I must take the baby steps till I'm full grown, full grown.
Fairytales don't always have a happy ending, do they?
And I forsee the dark ahead if I stay

[chorus:]
I hope you know, I hope you know
That this has nothing to do with you
It's personal, myself and I
We've got some straightenin' out to do
And I'm gonna miss you like a child misses their blanket
But I've got to get a move on with my life
It's time to be a big girl now
And big girls don't cry

Like the little school mate in the school yard
We'll play jacks and uno cards
I'll be your best friend and you'll be my valentine
Yes you can hold my hand if you want to
'Cause I want to hold yours too
We'll be playmates and lovers and share our secret words

But it's time for me to go home
It's getting late, dark outside
I need to be with myself in center
Clarity, peace, serenity
Yeah

[chorus:]
I hope you know, I hope you know
That this has nothing to do with you
It's personal, myself and I
We've got some straightenin' out to do
And I'm gonna miss you like a child misses their blanket
But I've got to get a move on with my life
It's time to be a big girl now
And big girls don't cry
Don't cry, don't cry, don't cry

Maybe i'm not cut out for this. I really don't know anymore. I'm just really confused. But yeah..big girls don't cry. So i won't.

I've been trying to keep my head above the ruble of the world that seems to keep tumbling down on me. Just when i think things are okay, my emotions spike up and i find myself spiraling out of control. I don't know what's wrong anymore. Maybe this is that teenage angst bull that people keep talking about. It feels like my hearts gonna burst open. I just keep asking myself what the hell is wrong and still i can't think of a reason. I end up thinking that maybe i'm not cut out for this but then i'd get mad at myself cause after everything this hits me NOW??? Gosh! I am my own worst nightmare!

Oh my! i hope i don't regret posting this but i got this message earlier to day...for those who deserves more than what they're being given...

"You can never teach a guy to love you the way you want to be loved
You have to wait for him to do it in his own way, in his own time
That's the saddest part of being a girl...

But you can never teach a girl to love the guy back
The way she did before she already grew tired and fed up
Understanding and waiting to be appreciated and loved the way she deserves to
be loved
That's the saddest part of being an insensitive man..."

There are two sides to every story...

Okay so the day seemed the same except for the fact that you weren't beside me during breaks. At first it kinda just flew by without my noticing it. Truth be told i felt lighter than i've ever felt for the past 2 weeks. So i'm just confused. Then when i thought i wouldn't be facing all of the things i felt that moment and then you gave me a letter...it was by far the sweetest and most sincere letter you've ever given me! But i don't want to just leave it to that. I wanna know for sure if this is still want. So thanks for being patient and knowing that i need this.

slowly working to my peace and serenity.much love to my friends who always got my back! you know who you guys are! MWAH!:)